Hello, I am back!

Hello, I am back! I’ve been away from the blog since last year and the reason for my temporary hiatus is because I was ill.

I was diagnosed with Graves’s disease in early 2018 and what a journey I've had. I was in hospital for nearly a week. My thyroid was very over-active.

Thyroid is a small, butterfly-shaped gland in our neck, along the front of our windpipe. It makes hormones that help control many parts of our metabolism, like how fast our heart beats and how fast we burn calories. Women are more likely to have a problem with their thyroid than men.

I call it a battle because to me, that is what it was. At its worst I thought I was going to die but thanks to my incredibly supportive family especially my husband that I am still here.

I have always been quite healthy. I am a person with loads of energy. It all started when I noticed a significant change in my entire body. Friends and family commented on how much weight I had lost. I had been trying to lose weight but had not realised how much I’d lost. My clothes were becoming too lose and despite a good diet I kept on losing weight until I was 10kg less than I had always been. It was unbelievable considering I had never been able to shed any weight on previous occasions.

Getting home from work, from the moment I would sit or lay down, I knew I wasn't doing anything else for the rest of the day. I had absolutely no energy to do anything. I was exhausted all the time, even if I slept really well the night before. My energy levels were sinking at a dramatic rate. What had been a mere breeze became an impossible task. In fact there were times I just didn't want to get up and go to work.

I had a constant really low mood, feeling cold and I kept on losing weight, despite eating a lot more.

I started to feel light headed and nauseous. Sleeping became uncomfortable. Waking in the middle of the night with cramp in my legs. I thought it may have been something viral or it’s my diabetes.

My hair started thinning, turning to straw and breaking easily. It came out in huge amounts when I combed it. I was horrified at the thought of losing my hair. I also felt my hair was growing very slowly.

I couldn't believe in such a short space of time how unwell I became. I also find it a struggle to walk up one set of stairs. Leg muscles hurting when I climbed the steps at home.

I was out of breath from panicking and couldn’t stand up as the muscles in the backs of my legs were shaking violently. I felt so sick and dizzy. My husband suspected low sugar.

After about a month I started to get more and more tired and slower in my thinking. I started finding it harder and harder and just trying to manage day to day tasks became a challenge. I just thought all these symptoms were normal for me and never really questioned them or linked them in any way. Nobody thought it was a medical problem – a working mum juggling with house chores was extremely exhausting but you just have to get on with it. So that’s what I did for another 3 weeks – soldiered on.

I was foggy in the head. I couldn’t concentrate for very long and my memory was dreadful. Sometimes I would stop speaking in the middle of a sentence because I’d forgotten what I was saying. I couldn’t even form sentences properly and forgot words. 

I had strange episodes of feeling like my body was shutting down. My skin was so dry that I had to apply a moisturiser all over, every day. But moisturizing made no difference. I just went from myself to feeling like I was aging superfast. My nails were weak and breaking.

Despite having the most supportive and understanding family, no-one knew what I really felt like. The last thing I wanted was my family to worry about my health. I had never felt so alone.

I didn’t tell anyone outside my family how I was feeling. I did not see my mother and sibling for a few months. I pushed myself to keep looking and behaving normally. I had a family to look after. Some days my energy would suddenly sap to a massive low and I’d have to just stop what I was doing - too tired to even finish washing the dishes.

I was miserable, had no interest in my blog or even cleaning the house, let alone anything that I used to enjoy. I went about my day, going through the motions but not really being there. I didn’t care and I wasn’t bothered.

I felt like I wasn't part of my life anymore - just like I was watching from the sidelines.

I was bad tempered a lot of the time. I made everyone's life a misery with my mood swings which can turn at the blink of an eye. I didn't enjoy anything and I couldn't laugh at anything. I had no interest and felt like I was going mad.

Then I started to have a sharp pain in my upper abdomen. I thought I was having a reflux again. So the doctor put me on the highest dosage of reflux med he could prescribe. He then sent me home after telling me to rest and it would go away. Unfortunately, it didn’t and it only got worse when a few days later I started having heart palpitations and a hand tremor for which I decided to consult another doctor.

He suggested for me to go for ECG to check for signs of heart disease. The test came back positive and he told me to see a heart specialist at Gleneagles but I told him that I need to consult my husband first and asked him to prescribe something to slower my heart beat.

Three weeks later I thought I was dying.  My symptoms were debilitating and included vomiting and diarrhoea, trouble with my breathing and heart palpitations that felt like I was having a heart attack.

Then I started to have that sharp pain in my upper abdomen again then I decided to see the doctor again.  He did not know what to do as he was the one who prescribed the highest dosage of reflux med earlier but the med did not seems to work for me because the pain were getting a lot worse again. He also said that there were so many things that didn’t make sense. He eventually arranged urgent referral to KPJ to undergo endoscopic.

After putting up with these symptoms for a month then it wasn't until mid May of 2018 when I decided to go to KPJ and undergo endoscopic to figure out what was going on with me but the result came back negative. There’s nothing wrong with my abdomen.

The doctors then decided to do a full workup of blood tests as they suspected I had thyroid issues.  Once the results came in, I was told that my thyroid was so bad. It showed that I was hyperthyroid. They explained I had Graves' disease and the  condition, the symptoms I was experiencing, why I was feeling the way I was and that I'd need medication every day.

I felt relieved that there was an actual diagnosis and it had not all been in my imagination. However, I was feeling more and more ill. My heart beat was well over 150 just sitting in my doctor’s office.

Due to my bad conditions, the doctor had to put me in the ICU right away. I had several ‘thyroid storms’ where my body just collapsed which can be fatal. I was treated with highest dosage of Carbimazole and Propranolol for months.

In my case, the side effect of the medications were severe skin rashes, muscle and joint paint, changes in the way things taste and decrease in the normal numbers of blood cells in the bloods. I was constantly scratching which affected my sleep and warm weather worsened the itch. I was treated with antihistamines, painkillers and given a big bag of calamine lotion to apply on my skin. Every evening, I have to add 1 cup of baking soda to a big bucket of lukewarm water and soak in it for at least 30 minutes.

The doctor also recommended that thyroid blood tests are carried out every week and overall it did take some time and adjustments to find the correct dose to keep me in the normal zone. I really hope I can stay on the dose I am currently taking.

He said I was fortunate that my Thyroid Eye Disease (TED) was very mild.

In the first three weeks it didn't seem like the tablets were working, in fact I felt like I was feeling worse than before. I went back to the doctor who said that the tablets take a while to kick in. After about six weeks I was starting to feel the difference.

And then I was given three options:- an operation to remove some of my thyroid, medication, or radio active iodine. I have always had the utmost respect for the medical profession so I asked for the doctor’s opinion. He favoured the second option because he said my overactive thyroid was reacting well to the medication I had been taking for weeks and at the moment he claim there’s no reason to remove it.

I have been treated for more than a year now but getting the balance right wasn’t easy. It took about months for it to stabilise.

I decided to focus my energies away from feeling sorry for myself and into getting well again. Getting my iron levels back up slowed my hair loss. Now,my hair is in much better condition, doesn’t fall out so readily and new hair is growing back. My weight has not really gone back to normal though. More than anything I’m warm.

It is sometimes annoying having this condition, tablets every day. My kitchen cupboard still looks like a pharmacy and I am still undergoing a blood test every two weeks to check my thyroid’s hormone levels and also to check my white cell count. However, the most annoying thing about having to have a lot of blood tests is that I have very useless veins so it usually takes them numerous attempts to take the blood. It does suck but life could be worse.

I can't say I feel 100% better because I don't, but I feel so much better and I am still working on building up my energy reserve. 

When I got my diagnosis I was shocked at how many people did not know about the condition. I had to explain it all to them which have in a way inspired me to write about my experiences with hyperthyroidism.

Now I am able to manage the daily struggle I have with the support of my family but I do find it hard to tell people how I feel about it and what it is really like to have it.

I have so much appreciation for my life now. I do have times where I feel like no one understands that I have days where I feel tired. I am very lucky that it’s not cancer and that although it won’t get better it’s probably not going to kill me either.

We all want to be happy and live a long and healthy life. Sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. Sometimes life gets in the way.

People fight everyday and sometimes we really don't know what a person is truly going through. You have no idea what people are thinking and the obstacles they face. So don't be too quick to judge. Everyone is dealing with a battle of their own. But if you let it consume you then you allow it to win. Accept your struggles and find peace with it. You are lucky that you are alive and that you can fight for another day. Smile at everyone you meet and do not let anything get in the way of you living your life to the fullest. You deserve all of the happiness that this world has to offer.

The end result is that my stomach is flatter and my boobs have gone down a bra size.

My regular doctor was always very attentive and I was never made to feel I was wasting his time. Having a caring doctor who understood, took time to talk, answered my questions and had the patience to help me through my nightmare, I can never thank him enough.

Despite the improvements I never quite regained my old self. Sometimes there is forgetfulness, the fogged brain and difficulties with concentration and I have never quite got over the tiredness. My hand would also fall asleep if I sat in one position for very long.

It hasn't been an easy journey but I've managed to carry on working and still enjoy life.It has made me the person I am today.

Chinese New Year

My family used to celebrate Chinese New Year when I was a kid as I am Hokkien on my mom’s side. This is my childhood memories of Chinese New Year. Our Chinese New Year had always been pretty simple. We did not have drinking session so it was not loud and riotous but it’s one of the many special memories I have of my grandparents.

My late father's parents and sibling would gather at my parents’ house on Chinese New Year’s Eve for the great celebration. They would be really busy preparing all the food for prayers. My mom would make the “Nian gao”, a sticky brown cake made from glutinous rice flour and palm sugar which is also mom’s favourite desert.

Each side of our front door would be decorated with sugar cane stalks. The pair of the sugarcane symbolises harmony, unity, cooperation and strength. It’s also believed that the sugarcanes can protect the family from harm and enemies throughout the year.

My father would also make us do the red paper cuttings to stick on our walls and doors. In the evening everyone would gather for the reunion dinner.

On Chinese New Year day, everyone would wake up early. My parents and in-laws would have made the pork porridge for breakfast. Then, everyone dresses up in their new clothes. 

An altar for prayers is then set up in our living room, a few hours before the prayers are to begin. All the offerings are then placed on the altar; glutinous rice dumplings, a pyramid of oranges, apples and grapes, candles, incense, roasted pig with its tails intact, boiled chicken, different rice and noodles dishes, sweets, dips and sauces, peanuts, and the list went on, filling up the altar. There’s so much food. A truly Chinese New Year feasts. Prayer started and the candles and joss sticks are lit. Each family members burn incense and say only good words and ask for blessing for a better year ahead.

The second part of the celebration would be burning of the prepared paper pieces which symbolizes burning money for the ancestors, outside the house by my late father. He would make us fold hundreds and hundreds of the paper offerings in the form of ingots and fans before Chinese New Year.  This spirit money is set up in mountains before being burnt. Then some would let off fire-crackers, fireworks and also lion's dance to mark the arrival of New Year. However, my late father is a law-abiding citizen hence he doesn’t encourage fireworks. So boring!!

Then everyone moved into the dining room where the table was set. What was offered at the altar also we can eat. It's officially an open house.

Then in the evening, a much smaller altar is then set up at the front door.

On the second day, we would go to visit my aunties and uncles’ house which is quite fun because we get to catch up with them after a year of not seeing most of them. Ang pows would have been given out by then. We’d just play together. It’s been years since I’ve seen some of them. It would be nice if we could joke and laugh like we did when we were kids.

I truly miss celebrating Chinese New Year. A long tradition that no longer in practice.

Here’s wishing everyone a happy Chinese New Year!

Scum Grads!

I started working right out of college. I couldn't afford to further my study but I work very hard to demonstrate my value. Hub said that I am intelligent and I like to think I am somewhat knowledgeable on what interests me -- cooking, history etc. But because I don't have a master’s degree, I sometimes feel like none of this matter and that I must be too stupid to be successful. I am not attractive, funny, social, charming or anything like that so intelligence is possibly the only strength I have and if I don't have that then I have no value whatsoever. 

Hub once said, “Do you realize how many stupid people there are out there with master’s degrees but no real accomplishments? Anybody can get a master’s degree and it really doesn't mean anything anymore. There are a good number of people who never got a master’s degree but were nevertheless very good at what they did. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t finish college yet wound up one of the wealthiest and most powerful men on earth. Some of the things that matter most in life are how well we treat other people and how much of our own potential we develop. Intelligence is what it is and has nothing to do with a master’s degree.” Well said!

Yeah, it’s true -- there are a good number of people with degrees and even with master’s degrees but they’re not able to perform in the real world! But they tend to exaggerate and think they are better than others. As a result, these people ignore the intelligence of others. These people keep telling others how smart they are all day long and how f**king great they are because they have a degree or a master's. The fact is that a lot of these people are very f**king stupid. They're always complaining they're too good for the job and that they should be making more and yet they never go find another job. If they think they deserve a better job then they need to show why they deserve it by being better, not just claiming they're. Sometimes this depends on who and where they got their degree also. Their work ethics are usually horrible because they spent so many years in the educational system and never working a real job. A lot of these people could not get a job out of college thus they thought more education would make them more marketable. My father had a term for these kind of people who are educated but completely useless -- scum grads or sampah.  So that is why it is significant to look for job experience when hiring and not just to look at education.

One of my best friend’s colleagues had a master’s degree but their boss could never be confident that any of his work was dependable. His incompetence is really shocking. No one even believed he has a master’s degree. A bad apple.

Someone who happens to be from a wealthy background once told me that anyone who claims that they can’t afford to attend college, is actually stupid and not because they can't afford to study..... Wowww..these rich people… they’re so quick to tell you to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and just stop being poor...

P/S This post is not about anyone in particular…but hey, if the shoe fits, wear it! 

Belunu or Bundu

It is the fruit heaven again in Sabah currently. Fruiting season is usually between July to September and December to January. This is when the village folk get to earn extra for selling durian, rambutan, langsat, mangosteen and jackfruit.

In this corner of the world, we call this fruit, belunu or bundu. I bought this in Tenom that day. Bought three and gave one to my sister. OMG...this is my favourite fruit!

This very hard to find and the most sought-after fruit looks like mango but tastes like soursop. It is very sweet, juicy and fleshy. This indigenous fruit is in season from December until January.

It is native to Sabah just like bambangan. We also have a few belunu trees behind my mother’s house. In fact, my village was named after this fruit.  But sadly, after an absurd family dispute a few years ago, the trees just stop to bear fruit anymore. The belunu tree can grow really tall.  Do be careful though because if you eat it too much, you might get a slight ‘kick’ out of it. We prefer to eat it when the flesh is still hard. Belunu tree is a very heavy bearer and a single tree can produce hundreds of fruits. For those who never try it, do give it a shot.

A Word Once Spoken Is Past Recalling

Hub and I both work full time. We split the house chores as well as we can. As for keeping the house clean, I only have two floors, hence that is easy to touch up every day with general cleaning done over the weekend. Basically, we just do what needs to be done. I couldn't imagine not sharing the work at home. I believe that it's team work. I know that a lot of people don’t feel that way. Well...what works for some may not work for others.

But I like cooking--a lot! Cooking doesn't feel like a chore to me. It is something I enjoy and it is something I am good at. But Hub doesn't complain at all. Hub understands that I'm tired too and will consider delicious even a simple omelette. I prefer to cook from scratch because I know what is in my food. It's healthier and cheaper too. We might eat out 2-3 times a month but all other meals are mine and his responsibility.

Hub got me this, a few days ago. My life may not be perfect but I am truly blessed to have so many great things in my life. I don’t have everything I want but I do have all I need. I am thankful to Allah for everything.

My late father once told me, after I got married, “You married him and now he’s your problem so if you don’t like something he does then tell him, not me and certainly not anyone else because it’ll just hurt your marriage and make other people think badly about him and your whole marriage will break down. There’s nothing more heart breaking than knowing someone you love think so low of you.”

So when a friend complained about his significant other, I was like -- oh my goodness no one should ever do this to a woman he claimed to love.  He has no respect for the wife whatsoever! Hello, what is happening, gossiping used to be a preserve of women.  However, many women would rather die than spill the dirt on her man. It’s not just “my spouse snores” kind of thing. They’re actually small exasperation which had built up over time. He told us about how lazy his wife was when it came to managing their household and all the private stuff that should be reserved for him and his wife to work out in the privacy of his own home. Bashing the woman he lives with, the one he has to sleep with and share a bed with. Oh pleaseeee..never sh*t where you eat. He refuses to talk to his wife about their relationship problems and instead share his frustrations with friends. No one is perfect and everyone has their own set of problems but they should try to work through things together. It's not fair to portray his wife so negatively to friends. He's not giving his wife a chance to defend herself. What happens if she finds out he's been talking bad about her behind her back? He's betrayed his wife and she's forever humiliated. I feel sorry for the wife. To the husband I say… you are a complete idiot for dishonouring the woman who is now an extension of yourself. Grow up! Spare the public the dirty linen. Learn to make some better decisions because at the end of the day, maybe the problem…is YOU.

P/s
This post is not directed at anyone in particular so should anyone be offended by it, you know what they say -- if the shoe fits then lace that bitch up and wear it!!

Remembering Datuk John Gaisah

This post is a tribute to my most favourite local singer of all time. 

Music has always been a huge part of my life even though I can't sing, dance or play an instrument. I got my love and appreciation of music from my paternal grandaunt. She played John Gaisah all the time. That's what started my interest in John Gaisah.  

Over the years, I’ve remained a John Gaisah fan. However, it’s only much later that I was able to start my own record collection.

Now, every once in a while, I would put the CD on the player and close my eyes. That means more than you know.

His songs really bring back great memories of my childhood. I know almost all of his songs by heart and would sing along to some of his songs. 

Born as Lapius John Gaisah on 8th April 1955 in Sinsuran Village, Tambunan, Sabah.

In 2012, he was honoured with a posthumous award of the title ‘Datuk’ in conjuction with Sabah Head of State Tun Juhar Mahirudin’s 59^th birthday celebrations, as an acknowledgement of his contribution and services to the state’s music industry. It's a long overdue award but it's better late than never. He had contributed a lot to the music and cultural development of Sabah.

John successfully raised the state’s image through his multi-talented roles as a musician, singer and song writer, especially in the local Kadazandusun dialect. John, who was once dubbed Sabah’s Tom Jones, had carved a name for himself in the industry after winning third place in the Bintang RTM 1976 competition which was won by the late Sudirman Arshad. After Bintang RTM 1976 John breathed new life and propelled Sabah’s music industry, through Kadazandusun Murut music, to the nation’s mainstream music industry.

John died tragically at 26 in a road accident at Kilometer 2, Penampang road on August 11, 1981.

He was a multi-talented artiste who could sing, play music and write songs and many of his songs are still popular today. The gifted musician had written many songs in his short lifetime.

Dear John, 
Your songs never left us. Thank you for giving so much. Rest in peace!

P/S

It is very difficult to choose one song of him as all his songs are equally awesome. These are my favourites – Nupus Ku Dia Oi Honey and Soira Osorou Ku. To me, these are not just songs but it is a journey down the memory lane. So, kick back, plug in your headphones and travel back in time with me.

Palm Sugar Syrup

Photo courtesy of Google

Palm sugar is one of the healthy sugar substitutes that’s available in the market today. You could get palm sugar at any Asian market. It has a smoky flavour and a rich aroma. Palm sugar is a nutrient-rich and low-glycemic crystalline sweetener but it's completely natural and unrefined. 

It is made from the sweet flower blossom nectar of the green coconut tree. The nectar is collected, boiled and shaped by pouring the mixture in a bamboo molds. It is called gula Melaka in Malaysia.

I use palm sugar a lot in my everyday cooking because it adds a special richness to almost any recipe. You can use palm sugar as a replacement for regular white sugar in any recipe. 

It is sweet, so take it easy on this stuff. When you taste it, you’ll want to have it in and on everything. Drizzle a little on top of pancakes or cheesecakes. Yum!

Photo courtesy of Google

Palm Sugar Syrup

Ingredients

500gm Palm Sugar

2 cups water

Methods

Place all ingredients in a small pot and bring to a boil. Do not cover or stir.

Reduce the heat to low and simmer until the palm sugar is dissolved, without stirring.

Continue to simmer for another 5 minutes until the syrup is slightly thick and sticky.

Remove from heat and let cool. Transfer into a jar and store in the refrigerator.